nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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