i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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