Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
