I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My bed smells like the plague
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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