i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
