man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
