this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dicks are not precious.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
