is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
