If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
