i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
