He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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