Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
