my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
