I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think I just sharted jello shots
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