hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
