mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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