On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
