Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
