Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
