How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
