broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
