my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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