she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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