I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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