Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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