I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
soo... how was my night?
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