I wish you could order shots online.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
