aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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