hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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