Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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