i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
