Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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