i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
