He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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