Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
