So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
