I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
