A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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