while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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