I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
