Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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