Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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