im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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