i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
