it wasn't lemon gatorade
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
