My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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