I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize