quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Randomize
