it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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