highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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