I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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