I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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