Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
