hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
