So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
