i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
