Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
