When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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